All My Life I Have Been Alone

Begin again after death pull your heart out of the trees hung in a quiet heat these are the
dreams you keep lie in  your bed holding them  to your chest  squeeze your eyes  shut.  I
hold them   there jiní racking   breath presses   down dreams  are all we  have you cannot
wake to   blink them away  to tilt  your head  back and push  them away with  your breath
the way  you were told.  Begin again  send the boat away  there is a skin hanging between
your  worlds  I see you  laughing in old  photos sliding down  red glistening  rocks  into a
river. Did  you  cry  when you  left  home for  the city  the streets  leave  us broken  jiní. A
young  basketball star  from Santa  Fe  fought  with his  best  friend broke  his friend’s leg
and arm with  a baseball  bat but turned  too early and  his friend hit  the star  in the head
and  now  he  has a  contaminated  mind.  Fifteen  years  have  passed.  One good  one his
caretaker  says that’s all it  took now the  old star can’t remember  his own  daughter or his
mother’s  name.  I  played with  him  yesterday  his  hands  still remember  the ball  but he
forgot  me mid-game  and walked   off the court.  Begin again  my mother lost her  mother
to blood  cancer cried  in the  Phoenix  heat  hot pavement  reflecting  the  hole where  we
reach  to look  for where to sit at the ceremony where we turn to  ask where is the sun veil
to  ask  what  did  the  medicine  man  say no  one’s there.  Begin again  you are  hungry  I
know it  running without  food will  close your  wind pipe  your heart  beat like  a wind-up
animal tunnel your  vision down  to two points of light  so please  eat some of this leftover
cornmeal.  All my  life I’ve been  the obedient one  you  tell me  at the  hospital  you  drink
this  juice  the  chemical  smell  cold  aluminum  scares me.  Begin  again I will  lay in  bed
with  you count  the waves  that rock us to  sleep jiní  they found  a baby  at the confluence
of  two rivers  where the  waters flow  together crying she  was the first.  Begin again wake
up wake  up wake up  wake up.  Begin  the sun  blowing on  your face  ropes  of it  around
my  waist the streets  outside  are filled  with people  we’ll walk  to the only  grass  field in
the city and drink the breaking.