Nullus Partus

I wanted a child
so I took
my temperature
charted mountains
on blue graph squares
compared mountain
to mountain like a traveler
in a desert landscape
like an architect
on the moon.

I had a child
but she had no bones
he had no sex no name she had
no heartbeat no
birthday.

I tried to imagine
myself without
these things.
I heard a voice
in the night with no
body shaking me who
am I in the night with no
child?

weight-
less groundless
like an astronaut
at night I dreamed the child
was an astronaut
seeking me seeking
a planet to land on
and every day
she chose someone
else.

I said to the ocean
Jesus if you give me
this I will give you
everything
I have which is
nothing which is endless
like the landscape
inside me.

I dreamed
nothing an ocean
white as sleeplessness
dark as a body
on the inside it was
murky as blood
and I hid in it
and my want
felt like an animal
beside me.